1. Home
  2. RISING
  3. Based On This First Paragraph, Would You Want To Read Further?

Discuss in my Forum

Based On This First Paragraph, Would You Want To Read Further?

By antivirus software Posted in: RISING

It’s the beginning of a fantasy story for a middle grade audience. Do you find it too descriptive? Will it bore readers?
One brisk September morning in Chatsworth, California, the sun rose over the rooftops, bathing the houses with warm yellow light. Its rays slowly found their way through the plain white curtains of the smallest bedroom in a mid-sized peach house with a red tile roof, a house exactly like every other in the neighborhood. The light penetrated even this tribute to uniformity and landed on a bed in the center of the room. Only a pale pink comforter and a single white cotton pillow softened the bed and it seemed amazing that anyone could find rest in it. However, unappealing though it seemed, the bed was occupied. The girl sleeping in it was only about ten years old, and not more than average height, but her childish, slightly chubby body was too large for the puny mattress. Her tanned face contrasted pleasantly with the mass of curly red hair that cascaded past the middle of her back. Her arm hung over the side of the low bed frame so that her fingers were mere inches away from grazing the light brown carpet. She was snoring softly, the rise and fall of her chest the only movement in the room.
A loud shout from downstairs interrupted the peaceful scene.

«
»
  1. RedStar Says

    If this was the opening paragraph in a book I picked up in a bookshop, I doubt I’d read on. It reads more like someone trying to impress their teacher than a publishable piece of writing. There are some nice things there, but it does read like you are trying way too hard. I think you’re doing well – this is much better than most other stuff posted on here – but it seems a bit forced, a bit laboured, a bit overworked. It needs to flow more naturally. But there is a lot of potential in your writing, so don’t be discouraged.

  2. Anonymous Says

    It honestly depends on the reader. I skim over words very quickly, so I could imagine the neighborhood, the girl, and the bed in under ten seconds. If someone were to read it slowly, the words would probably get confusing to them to have to wade through so many descriptive words. I would take out a few because it wouldn’t make a difference to the fast readers (like me) to not read a few of them. It would, however, make a huge difference to those who think about every single word in the sentence and read slowly.
    Hope I helped!!!

  3. Cj Toddy Says

    Maybe. Depends on the blurb too.
    …and the random page I flipped it open to in order to see if it was good. I do that. A lot.
    Cj

  4. Anonymous Says

    I stopped after the first sentence, that’s pretty good to even get me to read the first couple of words. haha middle grade audience….. they wouldn’t read it. lol

  5. Alchemy Says

    If by middle grade you mean 12-15, then they’d be fine reading it unless they were unusually dim.
    I personally don’t find it too descriptive, but then my writing’s been compared to Nathaniel Hawthorne. -laughs-
    Either way, I don’t think it will bore readers, because no matter what age group you write a novel for, people of all ages will end up reading it anyways.
    The only thing that needs fixing is your paragraphing…or lack there of. Paragraphing adds life and impact to a story by giving each cluster of sentences a life and luster of their own.
    Anyways, I hope I’ve helped! If you need any creative-writing advice in the future, feel free to contact me!
    Oh, and here’s an excerpt from my novel as an example of my verbose writing style. :D http://electricalchemy.deviantart.com/ga…

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

More Interesting Things

RISING

©2011 Fave Anti-Virus Software, All rights reserved.